Tying up

I am just thinking aloud whether parents should tie up things neatly before their time is up or leave it to the children to carry the mantle and do what needs to be done. It can be argued both ways. In the present age and era , children are not living with parents or in the same town or even country. Very often they are out of touch with procedures and practices of their motherland, having spend a major portion of their youth and middle age away from their parents and country. Also it is worth remembering that things are not automatically settled  in our country when one ceases to exist . This is despite all the digitisation and computerisation..Even a death certificate or legal heir certificate is not issued without passing a few bucks under the table..it is a pity that we used to be known as citizens of Ramrajya! 

If it were America or UK or Europe life for those who inherit properties would be easier. The rules are often bent to suit the petty official here in India and children will be driven from pillar to post to get these legal documents, not to mention the money doled out to touts and middlemen. Do kids living abroad or even here have the time and energy to chase these matters. For kids working in the IT industry, it is almost impossible as they work odd hours..may be if your kids work in Goverment offices they may be able to get things done. For others it will become a nightmare and a trauma..

In view of these problems it is better in my opinion to tie up all matters real ting to property and financial investments well in advance of very old age..simple fixed deposits in banks may give paltry returns but they are safe and easy to operate as registering of nominee names is sufficient to get the proceeds..land and building is a different and difficult story..a settlement deed in favour of the son or daughter may suffice  to inherit, but do these children who live abroad or work in difficult assignments in metro cities have the time to follow up and take care of that property?..a small village house or cottage is all the elder couple needs, which can be more easily disposed off if the kids do not want it later..the investment should be very modest, for sure..the risk factor will also be lesser..

I wish that our government did something to make transfer of assets to inheritors easier at least after the passing away of aged parents. Else they would be turning and squirming even in the grave!

Stuck in a quagmire called bondage

The first years of marriage are rosy for most couples. For some even those are less happy. People however learn to adjust to changed circumstances and keep the marriage working..Children come into their lives, one by one. The focus shifts to earning a living, arranging to give children the best possible life and future..then comes the marriage of those children and again the priority is to make it a grand and memorable event for them and also for the parents to feel a sense of fulfilment and achievement..They need to prove to the world that they have ARRIVED !! The grandchildren are born and time flies by..The children have carved out their own lives. The parents are by now retired and spend their time doing things that interest them and for which they have all the time in the world.
Upto now the lady has been adjusting to situations, balancing the budget, being the punching bag, shielding kids and husband alternately from massive disagreements and subsequent flare ups. She has never led a life for herself. Her kitchen was her domain and refuge at home. In the office it was her boss who she had to obey and serve..The man of the house knew or was told precious little about the difficulties in pulling together money, men and material in a household., all because he was the primary breadwinner and had to be given his peace and calm..
Now,coming to the retired years, the man wants to be a part of every little activity because he has time and needs to be busy to preserve his health. He lends his service in the kitchen, in cleaning house and in purchasing things..When this becomes a prerogative rather than genuine help, then starts the friction. He pronounces it is his right to cook, that this is the right way to wash vessels or mop the house. He will even go to the point of breathing down the lady's neck when she is cooking...how many whistles has the cooker let out?Why is the curd a little sour today. Why did you not boil some more milk, why is the washing done today, why is the bathroom not mopped after the bath?All these accusations hurled bring things to a boil. After exercising patience for many days , she starts to yell in frustration. Words are exchanged mutually and the worst events are brought up again.She has lost it all when he tells her that he has slogged for the family and all she did was sit around and belittles all her sacrifices .She starts to wonder if this was all worth it. She doesn't want to put the kids in a spot by complaining to them.Their vision of their parents is conditioned by several other factors...What is she supposed to do now?  Go away to some ashram or endure this even in ones old age to meet societal norms? She still has not lost her sense of responsibility..he cannot manage anything on his own despite all the bravado speeches..So, for the sake of  husband,kids and family honour, for the sake of giving him care in old age,she decides to stick around and be bogged in the quagmire called bondage..She uses one option...to stay quiet, say more prayers and observe mounavrath in most times...Is she doing right? Only God can give the verdict

Unseen faces and distance friendships

I feel stupid having had to force close my earlier blog on friendships because my iPad was running out of charge and I had not connected my external charger. For fear of losing the entire write up I wound up abruptly..Well, all is well that ends well. Here I am back to the board to pen some thoughts on faceless friendships through Facebook..you will be amused to know that I have some such friends linked by the thread of music..My daughter introduced me to a music group which has tastes similar to mine..posting of varied songs , filmi and otherwise by the members of the group made me gravitate towards some who liked, appreciated and enjoyed the numbers I did..so, this led to a distant,unseen relationship much like  a story off a movie..we kept on discussing. music and today we greet each other on birthdays, anniversaries, share information about our children grandchildren  besides songs!i feel the anguish and anxiety when I know one of them is ill, or has had a family bereavement..I rejoice when their kids perform well in their studies or extra curricular activities.. There is no geographical boundary for such friendships..I am honoured to be told that I am the Indian part of a Turkish family..That friend and her aunts and sisters know me and my husband well enough for us to take the liberty and land at their doorstep..They are known to my husband during his tenure in Istanbul..but they haven't seen me from Adam! I am on fb chatting terms with them and their effusive and infectious enthusiasm on just hearing my voice or seeing my messages is truly heart wringing..I wonder if unseen love can be so endearing...Another friend on Facebook is a family from Malaysia that highly respects and regards us as elders..Their kids whom I had seen as little girls are doctors today and guess what, they took the trouble to trace us out in this Metro city to visit us at home.,We had moved home thrice after they had seen us two decades ago.. After that it has been a long distance telephonic chat or messages thro fb.. It's a mixed feeling when I think of very close kith and kin who are not in touch and complete strangers who are close..anyway, my dearest friends and I never miss a chance to call on phone, post a message on FB or whatsapp.. Let me sign off by concluding that distance makes the relationship more attractive and not seeing faces in person adds a touch of mystery and intrigue and therefore makes the relationship  interesting.. Long live clean good feelings between people

Everlasting friendships

The news report about three grand old dames celebrating their centenary(100th) birthday together left me with two emotions....one wishing them well,good health and more bonded years together..and the other , a languishing for one such event myself..I am extremely fortunate to have two beasties who are one year older or younger than me..it doesn't matter, we can still hope for celebrations at the same time.Then I started thinking about how everlasting friendships happen..I have heard about bosom pals of much more strength before my time  and earlier . But it seems to be a distant dream nowadays..
Why is this?
1. The fast paced life leaves people little time to interact with others.
2. The frequent relocations do not allow for continuous relationships..as they say, a rolling stone gathers no moss.
3.people themselves are quite private about their feelings and emotions.
4.The need for give and take is becoming lesser..there is an overriding urge for independence not inter dependence.
5.Ego is a huge problem. Present day people find it difficult to accept criticism from others or well meaning advice.
6.Being judgmental can smother and eventually kill good friendship
7.Comparisons of status, intellect etc etc

These are some of the reasons that I feel are in conducive to fostering of strong ties between people. fFor a strong bond to develop it is important for those concerned to be in close proximity.Being in the same family, same school/college/workplace, same locality will help them to meet up oftener.This is Cardinal to begin a friendship. As time passes they know each other better, mutual likes and dislikes, each other's habits, temperament and the like..If the willingness to adjust to each other despite inadequecies is formed firmly in their minds, then the first stage is accomplished..Once they believe that they can be themselves without pretences and still not be judged the comfort zone is established..This common rule goes for all relationships not just friends..Even husband and wife can be very good friends first .
The next stage is the rocky one. Friends if sincere and true will be critical sometimes.One has to learn to digest a strong condemnation or correction with good grace because one should know that it is meant well and is honest.I still have my best girl friends chiding me for wrong moves or bad behaviour or hurtful statements
In a strong and honest friendship we cannot be totally independent..One has to adjust, accommodate, compromise and accept interdependence..Why not? The benefits are manifold.It calls for give and take, a lot of genuine appreciation and a broad mindedness of thought.There is no place for Ego, jealousy or envy between really good friends..As a trio my friends and I feel equally happy when any one of us or our families achieves, has good times and also feel the pain and sorrow when there is sadness or mishaps for any one of us..
A friendship requires nurturing and tending like a good garden. It also needs to be pruned..Once the ties are firmly bound, you have someone to whom you can pour out your heart, be it good news or bad news..be it happiness or sorrow, be it pleasure or pain..neither feels burdened or irritated ..It is the need of the hour..There you are, the most blessed creature upon this earth..
One major hurdle to good friendships today is the need for privacy and space..no one wants to confide in anybody..there are so many ways to reach out today..phone, what's app, private message on fb, email etc etc..those days we had only phone or writing a letter or just going in person to meet the friend to tell your problem...People are wary of each other, not trusting when it comes to confidentiality or honesty..That has to come with time..only a long association can build that trust.
For that living, working, studying close to each other is the best option..The problem  now is that people move homes, towns due to work..Out of sight out of mind , if that friendship has not been cemented.Even kids living in the same building cannot be sure of having the same friend for ever.
My solution to this is to begin bringing kids together while in primary school, through high school and college..The arena is more or less set by then..Invitations to visit each other often as families will bring them closer. Most importantly teach them to not discriminate on status, wealth etc..let kids be.
When it is a question of elders, a childhood friend is the best..But remember , you have to keep in touch

Retirement

Whether we like it or not, we cannot avoid the day when we will all retire from our job and come back home for ever..From the next day, you have what you have craved for every day of your working life..don't you recall the longing for being able to take off for days and do just nothing? Now that day had dawned..rather ironically, the sun has set on your active career and dawned on your leisure days..no more hurry, no expectations of performance, no targets to achieve,no routine to follow. You can wake up at  midday if you please, miss breakfast, take a stroll or not, enjoy a leisurely beauty bath and literally think of nothing. All this is real if you have the correct attitude..you can become cynical, sulk all day thinking that no one values your worth anymore, or demand attention for all the work you have put in over the years..it's a choice you have to make to make your retired years happy, peaceful and  bearable.
I have been almost retired from 2010 although I officially retired in 2006 ..sounds contradictory no?let me explain..I had to attend to my daughter's first delivery immediately after my retirement in 2006 .i was overjoyed and thanked God for making it all so timely and workable..then came along another grandchild and after that I started to work again..giving it up whenever the family needed me..since 2010 I haven't worked at all..but have been extremely busy being of use to my children and my husband  and the home. There is so much to be doneto run a home, to maintain the balance, manage the finances and the delicate needs of all the members of the family, many of which is not discussed outside the family.also I have found time to visit and worship at temples near and far away, learn a lot more slogans,do my ritual poojas twice a week, tend my garden,go for my morning and evening walks in the terrace which is also the time I get to communicate and exchange pleasantries with my neighbors..I enjoy browsing the Internet where I discover a lot of interesting things..now again duty has beckoned me to attend to my little granddaughter, born after a wait of 8 years..again I count my blessing..this trip has given me a chance to do some gardening, watch some great TV shows which have shown me new ways to entertain and educate my grd kids in art and craft.they have also taught me new recipes to cook for the family..I am reminded of the days when we brought up our own kids when I seethe antics of my grand kids...this I believe is the time we get to shape and mould the minds and bodies of our grand kids, to understand our children better, to see and feel happy about how well our children are shaping their lives..it is a revelation when I seethattheydont make the mistakes we made..they have learnt what not to do in life and in a marriage..that's very comforting..
If unfortunately , one cannot be adjusting and forgiving , it will be difficult to understand, connect to and reach out to our children as we grow older. No one really wants to hurt you or is deliberately disrespectful. It is in our perception of things, our belief of things. We have to be determined to be happy. We have to resolve and practice the art of tolerance , non judgment and non interference,,at the same time be as helpful as we can. I assure you , we will have the most glorious retired years, golden old age and the most doting children and grand children. We may however, gently chide or point out wrong deeds , no harm..but has to be gentle and without rancour or rage.Anger and bitterness are to be totally done away with..more prayers and meditation and exercise are the things to do. Eating less, sleeping more, cultivating good conversation,regular mild exercise and routine household chores will fill up the day..
Let's raise a toast to  happy retirement.

marital rifts...a genuine concern of the present age

I have long been worried about the many divorces, separations and rifts in the marriage of the present day couples. I have thought hard about the many probable reasons for such unhappy happenings and I must admit I have failed to dig to the bottom of this ailment..There were times when there was only an arranged marriage and love marriage was taboo .If anyone dared to risk an elopement  or even get away with a love marraige with a self chosen partner,the couple would have to face a very rough journey for a long period in their lives,ostracised by parents ,shunned by society and denied of any family fortunes.With themselves alone to earn, live and console mutually ,couples rarely thought it worth their while to undertake such adventures in life. After marraige it used to be mostly life in a joint family with all its advantages and drawbacks..no choice here again for the newly wed couple.Adjustment with every member of the family had to be done ,like it or not. It was a lot irksome for the new bride.and much easier for  the boy. The only trouble arose when he had a hobson's choice of whether to take his mother's side or his wife's when there was a quarrel or misunderstanding.Things got ironed out in due course and the girl became a part of the new family and life went on more smoothly.There were elders to put the brakes on when issues took a bad turn. With little time to spend with each other, with all the constraints and restraint imposed on them by the joint family system,the couple did not get much time to argue or quarrel and the precious little time they spent together was mostly pleasant because both wanted to be happy and pleasant for that time they got together..The logistics of bringing up kids was taken care of jointly by all members as, all children grew up like one family.
Then came the era of the nuclear family and the more liberal society where it became fashionable to rebel and find one's own partner..The risk in this arrangement as I see it is that in the euphoria of a romantic youthhood one doesnt see the negative aspects in the other. Family background , upbringing, culture, traditions are not checked for matching the boy and girl. A big difference in any one of these aspects can cause rupture in a marriage once the honeymoon mood wears off..That is one of the reasons why in olden days it was imperative to match all aspects of the background of the prospective match before a n alliance was fixed and a marraige solemnised..Elders in the family had more experience with life, were more astute in their judgment and more discerning in their vision of things and there fore could be trusted to ensure that the marraige of a boy and girl in question would indeed work successfully.
All this has given way to a much more fashionable, freethinking world where it is even accepted as right to live in without marrying, the live out of a marriage  clandestinely,.What is the world coming to? I believe  that when we give a choice for our kids to do things themselves, we have to draw a line on what all they can do independently. Marriage is an institution we still hold sacred and it is not to be played with or engaged in as a pastime. Once wedded , it is for life..not to be untied when one pleases.The main problem is due to theboy and the girl having very strong personal views about everything, unwilingness to relent ,adjust and reconcile differences,financial independence,intolerance of their mutual inadequacies and availability of fresh choices..( who knows whether the new choice wouldnt be a worse choice...? only time can tell).The other point is selfishness..Both of them fail to see how the child or children they have brought forth into this world(out of love or by accident) will be devastated if the two of them go their own ways..The children will have no family, so to speak,,I beg to ask such couples one question. were those millions of couples who had a lot of differences patched  up their grouses and compromised to make the marraige work, all utter fools???? The answer is they were noble..I know a case where the lady made all the sacrifice to keep the family together and ultimately, though late in life, the man could not but admit what a goddess he had for a wife and doted on her in the twilight years...The children were proud of their noble mother and forgave their not so noble father.
It is worth investing in a marriage because we have a duty, a commitment to keep ,both to the world  and to our children. There is no such thing as a perfect marriage or a perfect ly matched couple. All have frailties and imperfections..If only we can learn to tolerate the bad side and strengthen the good side and if both the man and the lady make a really sincere and hones teffort  to correct the wrongs on either side, families will stay together and they can stay happy too..There can be no guile or cheating in a union as sacred as a marriage. Above all, I believe that there must be an adherence to religion, a common prayer daily, a lighting of the lamp or an incense stick...to get a feeling of being blessed, for seeking HIS blessings, to spread calm, good aroma and cheer inside the house..These aspects are also no less important..Couples must learn to spend time mutually together, talk, laugh,exercise,eat and be merry together..If either chooses to do any of these activities by himself/herself, then recognize that all is not well in that marriage..Counselling by professionals can help because it will be objective. But I think if discussion with a close friend or colleague or family member is done it could be just as well;
In any case, doing away with the bond is the worst alternative..call it separation, divorce or whatever...That is no panacea or solution. Its one big escape from reality, truth ,character and conviction .Life is short. LIVE IT WELL AND TO THE BEST OF YOUR ABILITIES

The nochoice sibling string

My sister Meenakshi has written a blog on born this way. I read it and the issue she has focussed on has led me thinking of being born with siblings...good, bad, ugly, goodlooking, short, tall, intelligent, stupid...the traits and qualities are too many to enumerate...As a family it feels good to be born with many sisters and brothers. As children we just dont look at their virtues or vices. We are too innocent to even think of such wicked aspects.As we grow up, marry and have our own families, we have many more members added on to the family. Their influence is not minimal or to be ignored. It is after this that we begin to look at siblings in a different light and begin noticing the flaws and thereby spring misgivings, mistrust, misunderstandings and then we see the beginnings of many misses in our lives. We miss out on all good things because of the shadow of jealousy, anger, and lack of give and take has been cast over our lives.We have no choice over who we want as our sisters or brothers.They are there and we better accept them as they are. Siblings drift apart also because of fluctuating fortunes. One may be hard up,while another may thrive. One may go abroad and see the world whereas another may never get to go beyond their town or city or village. Sibling rivalry gets fanned later in life when their children settle down in life
One child of a sibling may move up the career ladder very fast and go places. Another may be struggling to make a career. This often leads to jealousy and bitterness.Have we a choice over who should be our childrens' cousins? Again its a NO..So how to find a solution to this problem. I agree we are all born the way we are. Our brother and or sister is ours no matter what. Do we disown a brother because he is not doing good? Or because he is shabbily clothed or has matted hair?Do we fail to recognize him on the streets just because he is not well dressed or because he is trudging home wearily?Now what I call strength od character is to be able to stand up for such siblings and say proudly to the world that he or she is my sibling, no matter what the world thinks of him/her.
Now coming to the matter of cousins...lets face it ...it is a thin string that binds them now....If all of the cousin siblings thought that neither position, power nor money is so important for a genuine freindly relationship , it would make matters easy for them to be in touch and helpful to each other. Its the EGO that comes with success that is in the way. It is also the  familyvalues and ties that have not been stressed enough in younger agewhen these cousins were in their respective homes. that is resposible for their going their separate ways.
Let us as a family remember that we have just one life to live and that we may not be born again as siblings. It is our duty to do our parents proud by vindicating the choice our parents have gives us and in turn our kids have to do the same. Wont it be a happeir world and a happier family???Sure will