Tying up

I am just thinking aloud whether parents should tie up things neatly before their time is up or leave it to the children to carry the mantle and do what needs to be done. It can be argued both ways. In the present age and era , children are not living with parents or in the same town or even country. Very often they are out of touch with procedures and practices of their motherland, having spend a major portion of their youth and middle age away from their parents and country. Also it is worth remembering that things are not automatically settled  in our country when one ceases to exist . This is despite all the digitisation and computerisation..Even a death certificate or legal heir certificate is not issued without passing a few bucks under the table..it is a pity that we used to be known as citizens of Ramrajya! 

If it were America or UK or Europe life for those who inherit properties would be easier. The rules are often bent to suit the petty official here in India and children will be driven from pillar to post to get these legal documents, not to mention the money doled out to touts and middlemen. Do kids living abroad or even here have the time and energy to chase these matters. For kids working in the IT industry, it is almost impossible as they work odd hours..may be if your kids work in Goverment offices they may be able to get things done. For others it will become a nightmare and a trauma..

In view of these problems it is better in my opinion to tie up all matters real ting to property and financial investments well in advance of very old age..simple fixed deposits in banks may give paltry returns but they are safe and easy to operate as registering of nominee names is sufficient to get the proceeds..land and building is a different and difficult story..a settlement deed in favour of the son or daughter may suffice  to inherit, but do these children who live abroad or work in difficult assignments in metro cities have the time to follow up and take care of that property?..a small village house or cottage is all the elder couple needs, which can be more easily disposed off if the kids do not want it later..the investment should be very modest, for sure..the risk factor will also be lesser..

I wish that our government did something to make transfer of assets to inheritors easier at least after the passing away of aged parents. Else they would be turning and squirming even in the grave!

Stuck in a quagmire called bondage

The first years of marriage are rosy for most couples. For some even those are less happy. People however learn to adjust to changed circumstances and keep the marriage working..Children come into their lives, one by one. The focus shifts to earning a living, arranging to give children the best possible life and future..then comes the marriage of those children and again the priority is to make it a grand and memorable event for them and also for the parents to feel a sense of fulfilment and achievement..They need to prove to the world that they have ARRIVED !! The grandchildren are born and time flies by..The children have carved out their own lives. The parents are by now retired and spend their time doing things that interest them and for which they have all the time in the world.
Upto now the lady has been adjusting to situations, balancing the budget, being the punching bag, shielding kids and husband alternately from massive disagreements and subsequent flare ups. She has never led a life for herself. Her kitchen was her domain and refuge at home. In the office it was her boss who she had to obey and serve..The man of the house knew or was told precious little about the difficulties in pulling together money, men and material in a household., all because he was the primary breadwinner and had to be given his peace and calm..
Now,coming to the retired years, the man wants to be a part of every little activity because he has time and needs to be busy to preserve his health. He lends his service in the kitchen, in cleaning house and in purchasing things..When this becomes a prerogative rather than genuine help, then starts the friction. He pronounces it is his right to cook, that this is the right way to wash vessels or mop the house. He will even go to the point of breathing down the lady's neck when she is cooking...how many whistles has the cooker let out?Why is the curd a little sour today. Why did you not boil some more milk, why is the washing done today, why is the bathroom not mopped after the bath?All these accusations hurled bring things to a boil. After exercising patience for many days , she starts to yell in frustration. Words are exchanged mutually and the worst events are brought up again.She has lost it all when he tells her that he has slogged for the family and all she did was sit around and belittles all her sacrifices .She starts to wonder if this was all worth it. She doesn't want to put the kids in a spot by complaining to them.Their vision of their parents is conditioned by several other factors...What is she supposed to do now?  Go away to some ashram or endure this even in ones old age to meet societal norms? She still has not lost her sense of responsibility..he cannot manage anything on his own despite all the bravado speeches..So, for the sake of  husband,kids and family honour, for the sake of giving him care in old age,she decides to stick around and be bogged in the quagmire called bondage..She uses one option...to stay quiet, say more prayers and observe mounavrath in most times...Is she doing right? Only God can give the verdict

Unseen faces and distance friendships

I feel stupid having had to force close my earlier blog on friendships because my iPad was running out of charge and I had not connected my external charger. For fear of losing the entire write up I wound up abruptly..Well, all is well that ends well. Here I am back to the board to pen some thoughts on faceless friendships through Facebook..you will be amused to know that I have some such friends linked by the thread of music..My daughter introduced me to a music group which has tastes similar to mine..posting of varied songs , filmi and otherwise by the members of the group made me gravitate towards some who liked, appreciated and enjoyed the numbers I did..so, this led to a distant,unseen relationship much like  a story off a movie..we kept on discussing. music and today we greet each other on birthdays, anniversaries, share information about our children grandchildren  besides songs!i feel the anguish and anxiety when I know one of them is ill, or has had a family bereavement..I rejoice when their kids perform well in their studies or extra curricular activities.. There is no geographical boundary for such friendships..I am honoured to be told that I am the Indian part of a Turkish family..That friend and her aunts and sisters know me and my husband well enough for us to take the liberty and land at their doorstep..They are known to my husband during his tenure in Istanbul..but they haven't seen me from Adam! I am on fb chatting terms with them and their effusive and infectious enthusiasm on just hearing my voice or seeing my messages is truly heart wringing..I wonder if unseen love can be so endearing...Another friend on Facebook is a family from Malaysia that highly respects and regards us as elders..Their kids whom I had seen as little girls are doctors today and guess what, they took the trouble to trace us out in this Metro city to visit us at home.,We had moved home thrice after they had seen us two decades ago.. After that it has been a long distance telephonic chat or messages thro fb.. It's a mixed feeling when I think of very close kith and kin who are not in touch and complete strangers who are close..anyway, my dearest friends and I never miss a chance to call on phone, post a message on FB or whatsapp.. Let me sign off by concluding that distance makes the relationship more attractive and not seeing faces in person adds a touch of mystery and intrigue and therefore makes the relationship  interesting.. Long live clean good feelings between people

Everlasting friendships

The news report about three grand old dames celebrating their centenary(100th) birthday together left me with two emotions....one wishing them well,good health and more bonded years together..and the other , a languishing for one such event myself..I am extremely fortunate to have two beasties who are one year older or younger than me..it doesn't matter, we can still hope for celebrations at the same time.Then I started thinking about how everlasting friendships happen..I have heard about bosom pals of much more strength before my time  and earlier . But it seems to be a distant dream nowadays..
Why is this?
1. The fast paced life leaves people little time to interact with others.
2. The frequent relocations do not allow for continuous relationships..as they say, a rolling stone gathers no moss.
3.people themselves are quite private about their feelings and emotions.
4.The need for give and take is becoming lesser..there is an overriding urge for independence not inter dependence.
5.Ego is a huge problem. Present day people find it difficult to accept criticism from others or well meaning advice.
6.Being judgmental can smother and eventually kill good friendship
7.Comparisons of status, intellect etc etc

These are some of the reasons that I feel are in conducive to fostering of strong ties between people. fFor a strong bond to develop it is important for those concerned to be in close proximity.Being in the same family, same school/college/workplace, same locality will help them to meet up oftener.This is Cardinal to begin a friendship. As time passes they know each other better, mutual likes and dislikes, each other's habits, temperament and the like..If the willingness to adjust to each other despite inadequecies is formed firmly in their minds, then the first stage is accomplished..Once they believe that they can be themselves without pretences and still not be judged the comfort zone is established..This common rule goes for all relationships not just friends..Even husband and wife can be very good friends first .
The next stage is the rocky one. Friends if sincere and true will be critical sometimes.One has to learn to digest a strong condemnation or correction with good grace because one should know that it is meant well and is honest.I still have my best girl friends chiding me for wrong moves or bad behaviour or hurtful statements
In a strong and honest friendship we cannot be totally independent..One has to adjust, accommodate, compromise and accept interdependence..Why not? The benefits are manifold.It calls for give and take, a lot of genuine appreciation and a broad mindedness of thought.There is no place for Ego, jealousy or envy between really good friends..As a trio my friends and I feel equally happy when any one of us or our families achieves, has good times and also feel the pain and sorrow when there is sadness or mishaps for any one of us..
A friendship requires nurturing and tending like a good garden. It also needs to be pruned..Once the ties are firmly bound, you have someone to whom you can pour out your heart, be it good news or bad news..be it happiness or sorrow, be it pleasure or pain..neither feels burdened or irritated ..It is the need of the hour..There you are, the most blessed creature upon this earth..
One major hurdle to good friendships today is the need for privacy and space..no one wants to confide in anybody..there are so many ways to reach out today..phone, what's app, private message on fb, email etc etc..those days we had only phone or writing a letter or just going in person to meet the friend to tell your problem...People are wary of each other, not trusting when it comes to confidentiality or honesty..That has to come with time..only a long association can build that trust.
For that living, working, studying close to each other is the best option..The problem  now is that people move homes, towns due to work..Out of sight out of mind , if that friendship has not been cemented.Even kids living in the same building cannot be sure of having the same friend for ever.
My solution to this is to begin bringing kids together while in primary school, through high school and college..The arena is more or less set by then..Invitations to visit each other often as families will bring them closer. Most importantly teach them to not discriminate on status, wealth etc..let kids be.
When it is a question of elders, a childhood friend is the best..But remember , you have to keep in touch